Pain, regret & remorse

I am back frm medan.

B4 i blog on medan,
After doing some prayers for my dad and ancestors.
All of sudden alot of feelings to shout out. to blog.
All thoughts break loose if u blog in the middle of a late nite.

Thoughts tat i just can't contain & wan let loose.
I just need to shout & vent thro. a medium.
Guess this is onli the place i dare to.

失去的痛，
不在一瞬间
而是在日常身活中
面对没有一个人的日子。
I miss my dad.

During the prayers i got a strong desire
to really go up to master monk to ask him to open my eyes
to let mi see dad when he comes for the offerings.

Perhaps i don't have the guts to request.
For he or others might find mi silly.
Or i might get a scoldin for requestin for
something impossible.

Maybe when he opens my 3rd eyes,
It might not close again.
Or maybe,
I would feel worst off if i manage to c anything.
But i just wan to kw hw he is doing.

When a person is nt ard
Then u realise
& reminisce hw much as a children u've failed to
care for yr parents beside u.

We shout at them, vent our fustrations at them when they ask questions,
esp trite & lor soh ones.
When they'r actually showin their care+concern.

Let's b honest wif ourselves:
Have u ever shouted @ them for small,
trivial issues?

Did their qns cause a slice of yr flesh to fall off?
I admit i am a culprit.
Esp in this stressful environment.

I would like to share a small secret.

Once when my dad was walking
quite slowly infront of me,
slowing me dwn as i am behind him,
along tat narrow path.

I heaved a sigh of impatience.

Inner thought:
"ah yoh why so slow?"

Nvr did i kw his tumor impeded his pace.
And nvr did i kw i will nvr have the chance
to say sorry to him again.

原来，不只回忆痛，后悔更痛。

Is it wrong to walk slowly?
It's just tat i wanna b fast.

Since then, i told myself,
I'll nvr shout back at my last remaining parents again.
It's now down to how u make them happy,
when they aged and we grow older.
I'll try bery hard nt to.

Time will nvr wait for u,
and time will, and can nvr revert & regress.
Sadly onli memories will.

Don't make the same mistake as me.